Being a parent comes with what feels like thousands of daily decisions. What should I feed the kids, and how much screen time is okay? How do I set boundaries while still showing love? But there is something that many parents and/or caregivers may not realize can have a significant impact on a child’s self-esteem, and long-term health: How we talk about bodies.
The Hidden Impact of Body Talk in Everyday Life
We might not even notice when it is happening because body talk is everywhere. It can take the form of direct comments about your own or someone else’s body (e.g., “I feel so bloated,” “I need to lose weight,” or “she really shouldn’t be wearing that”), or be less obviously about bodies such as comments about food, eating, or movement (e.g., “I’ve eaten so badly all weekend, I need to be good tomorrow”). Although false, diet culture has convinced us that what we eat and how much we move will determine body weight and shape, and these are often connected to fat talk or disparaging comments about body weight and shape that are exchanged between friends and family (e.g., “I’m so fat”).
A Culture of Body Dissatisfaction
Although we see people taking a stand against the thin ideal, the dominant message in our culture is that thin bodies are better/healthier and if we just combine the right mix of determination, diet, and exercise, we can achieve the body ideal. Without even intending to, these cultural messages contribute to how we talk about food, weight, and appearance in ways that can either plant seeds of shame or nurture resilience and self-acceptance. Focusing on how bodies look, and promoting thinness or criticizing fatness can lead to body dissatisfaction. In our culture, kids and adults are constantly bombarded with messages about how they “should” look, and what we say at home matters more than you might think.
Let us first reassure you that this blog is not intended to make you feel like you need to get this parenting thing perfect; that would be unrealistic. It is also not trying to point fingers if you’ve made a mistake, we all do. Instead, this is meant to remind you to be thoughtful and compassionate with yourself and your children, and to be aware of the power that your words carry.
Why Body Talk with Kids Matters
Children start forming ideas about their bodies at a shockingly young age. Research shows that by age 3, some children are already expressing dissatisfaction with their bodies,1 and by age 5, 50% of girls internalized the thin ideal, and 34% restricted food to alter or control their bodies.2 Notably, exposure to media and conversations about appearance were the most significant predictors of restrictive eating.2 As children grow, body dissatisfaction can intensify, and by adolescence, some studies have reported more than 80% of both boys and girls are unhappy with their bodies.3
So, why does this matter? Body dissatisfaction is one of the strongest risk factors for disordered eating and may contribute to low self-esteem. Even though only 1-3% of young people develop a clinical eating disorder,4 many more, up to 15%, struggle with disordered eating behaviours that can seriously affect their health and well-being.5 Research tells us that these struggles often continue into adulthood, making it even more important to address them early.
You Have More Influence on Your Child’s Body Image Than You Might Think
This is why the way we talk about our bodies at home is so important. Even the most casual, seemingly smallest remark you make towards yourself, your spouse, or your kid(s) can send a compelling message to children. However, not to worry, there is good news: Parents and caregivers can play a significant role in preventing future body image issues as well. Modelling body respect and acceptance, encouraging balance over perfection, not connecting food and movement with body weight, and keeping conversations focused on what our bodies do (not how they look), can help children grow to develop a healthier, more compassionate relationship with, not just how they view themselves, but others, too.
Difference is Beautiful: Raising Kids Who Celebrate All Bodies
As a mom and as someone who grew up in a home steeped in diet culture, I (Alana W) have seen firsthand how harmful body talk can be. I watched the adults in my life wrestle with how they viewed themselves and others, and I knew I wanted something different for my son.
That is why I introduced what we call the “20-second rule” in our household. The idea is simple: if someone cannot change something about their appearance in 20 seconds or less, we do not comment on it. So yes, if a person has spinach in their teeth or a shirt tag sticking out, we will politely mention it. But comments about body size, weight, or appearance? Those do not belong.
Why? Because commenting on how someone looks does not build connection, it teaches comparison. And, as the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy.
Instead, I want my son to grow up seeing the beauty in difference, the richness of our world with its diversity of skin colours, body shapes, and sizes. How dull would life be if we all looked the same? True beauty lies in uniqueness, and it is something worth protecting and celebrating.
When Good Intentions Go Wrong: What Not to Say to Protect Body Image
Most parents want what is best for their children, and in our culture, the resounding message is that what is best is not to be in a large body (stay tuned for a future blog exploring weight stigma). As a consequence, many parents, with the best of intentions, may actually reinforce harmful messaging. Although they may seem helpful, these messages can have a lasting impact, and I (Alana I) often find adults in therapy with body image concerns have more than one story about body related talk that impacted them at a young age. The following are some of the things we have heard that often have the best intentions:
- “Do you really need that second helping?” suggests to the child that food must be earned or restricted. These comments are also often only directed at children in larger bodies, while those in smaller bodies may be encouraged to eat more, sending the message that only those in smaller bodies can eat without guilt.
- “I feel fat today” sends an underlying message that fat is bad. Children may internalize this belief in a self-criticizing way, and begin to apply body-related judgement to themselves.
- “Eating that can make you fat,” or it’s more subtle version: “that’s junk, it’s not healthy.” This language links food choices to weight and creates discomfort, guilt, or even fear around food choices that are vilified for contributing to fat or poor health (which is often equated with fatness – see our blogs Wellness without Weight-Ins: A New Weight Neutral Model for Health and No More Guilty Pleasures: The Impact of Food Talk)
- “You should dress for your body” often follows statements about how larger bodies cannot “pull off” the same clothes as smaller bodies can. It sends the message that a child’s body isn’t good enough and needs to be camouflaged by the right clothing.
- Lastly, while this one might actually feel like you are saying something nice, it can teach children that worth is tied to weight. “You look so good, did you lose weight?!” This one is so sneaky, I (Alana I) have heard this “compliment” more than once in the context of comments that have contributed to the beginning of an eating disorder.
These phrases, while they may feel well-intended, can over time chip away at a child’s sense of trust in their body, self-worth, and positive body image.
What to Say Instead: Approaches to Support Positive Body Image
So, what can you say instead? The goal is not to avoid all talk about bodies; it is about reframing the conversation in a way that promotes health, joy, and acceptance.
- Instead of commenting on appearance, focus on what bodies can do: “Your body helps you dance, laugh, hug.”
- Teach children to celebrate diversity by pointing out (not literally) that bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and abilities by saying something like, “All bodies are good bodies!”
- When discussing food, it is best to avoid terms like “good”/”bad” or “healthy”/”unhealthy.” Even “always” and “sometimes” food language can be harmful. Instead, call food by its name and share about the many roles food can play: “that snack gave you quick energy for soccer,” “Grandma’s cookies make me think of her hugs and snuggles,” or “it’s fun to have a picnic as a family.”
- Teach children to critically consume the media. Invite them to think about what they see or hear by asking questions, and remind children that bodies in ads, movies, and social media are often edited and don’t reflect real life.
Lead by Example: Your Words Shape How Your Child Sees Themselves
Modelling the above is a first step towards ensuring we are setting our children up to develop a healthy relationship with their bodies. We know kids are like sponges, absorbing everything we say and do. Let’s do as they say and be the change you want to see in the world. Avoiding negative body talk or fat talk not only models the behaviour we want to see in our children, but can also lead to a positive shift in how you view yourself. After all, parents, your body has carried, lifted, soothed, and supported these little ones, so don’t forget to celebrate yourselves as well!
Final Thoughts
When we start talking about bodies in ways that celebrate diversity and focus on the amazing things we can do with our bodies, we start to create a family culture where worth is not tied to size, food is not a battlefield, and the foundation is acceptance.
Parenting is hard enough and will always come with challenges. None of us gets it perfect, but with these small shifts towards more compassionate and accepting conversations, you can help your child build resilience in a world riddled with body critiques and rigid ideals. Give your child the gift of a foundation for a healthier, freer relationship with their body, because your child’s body is already good enough.
References
- Tatangeloa, G., McCabea, M., Mellor, D., & Mealey, A. (2016). A systematic review of body dissatisfaction and sociocultural messages related to the body among preschool children. Body Image, 18, 86095. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2016.06.003
- Damiano, S. R., Paxton, S. j., Wertheim, E. H., McLean, S. A., & Gregg, K. J. (2015). Dietary restraint of 5-year-old girls: Associations with internalization of the thin ideal and maternal, media, and peer influences. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 48(8), 1166-1169. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.22432
- Martini, M. C. S., Assumpção, D. D., Barros, M. B. D. A., Mattei, J., & Barros Filho, A. D. A. (2022). Prevalence of body weight dissatisfaction among adolescents: A systematic review. Revista Paulista de Pediatria, 41, e2021204. doi: 10.1590/1984-0462/2023/41/2021204
- Hoek, H., & van Hoeken, D. (2003). Review of prevalence and incidence of eating disorders. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 34, 383–396. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.10222
- Kjelsas, E., Bjornstrom, C., & Gotestam, K. G. (2004). Prevalence of eating disorders in female and male adolescents (14-15 years). Eating Behaviors, 5(1), 13–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1471-0153(03)00057-6
