By Alana Ireland
Noticing the Early Signs
Body image dissatisfaction may begin with subtle signs, like a child who hesitates before joining swim class, pulls at their shirt in discomfort, places a pillow in their lap when they sit, is preoccupied with their appearance, or asks if their body is “normal.” These moments may seem small or inconsequential, but they may also be early signs of a child beginning to experience discomfort with and in their body.
In my clinical work, I’ve seen these signs emerge in ways that can be easy to miss or dismiss. A child who avoids birthday parties because they don’t want to eat cake in front of others (“they are making a ‘healthy’ choice”) or avoiding eating in front of others altogether (“they just weren’t hungry”). Children who refuse to wear shorts because they worry their legs are “too skinny,” or “too fat, and don’t have a ‘thigh gap.’” It can be tempting to think of these as no big deal or as phases that will pass, but often they’re signs of how children are shaping their perceptions of themselves, and how comfortable they are in their bodies.
What is Body Image?
Body image is about more than just appearance. It’s a complex, evolving relationship between a person’s thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of their body. Body image has a significant impact on our well-being, and begins to develop younger than you might think. Research shows that body dissatisfaction can emerge as early as age three,1 and is associated with increased risk for anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and disordered eating. Early body image concerns often contribute to thoughts, feelings, and experiences that can shape how a child feels about and engages with their body into adolescence and adulthood. With body image dissatisfaction being so widespread that researchers in the 80s coined it “normative discontent,”2 suggesting that it is just normal to feel bad in and about your body. Rates of body image dissatisfaction have continued to rise since then, suggesting that an already alarming problem is at a critical point, especially since the advent of social media.
Where to Begin with Body Image
I know it can be hard to translate what we learn into everyday action. That’s why I’m following up on our last blog, Body Talk: Nurturing Positive Body Image, with practical tools and suggestions. These are grounded in both research and clinical experience, and while not exhaustive, they’re a starting point for anyone wondering how to begin.
Our approach at Valeo Well-Being is compassionate, prevention-focused, and an extension of what I have learned through research and clinical practice. We believe the best way to address body and eating concerns is to prevent them from developing in the first place. This blog offers practical, evidence-informed strategies for parents, educators, and caregivers to support positive body image in everyday life, and guidance for responding when a child expresses dissatisfaction or says something like “I feel fat.”
Practical Strategies to Support Positive Body Image
1. Remove the Focus on Appearance
This may seem straightforward, and in many ways it is: just don’t comment on bodies. But it’s easy to fall into familiar patterns like telling little girls they “look so pretty” or drawing little boys’ attention to “how big” their muscles look. While we may think we are doing something positive by “complimenting” appearance, any body-focused comment can have unintended consequences. For example, I have heard many times how “compliments” on weight loss or body changes were the precipitating factor for an eating disorder. Instead of trying to build children’s self-worth by commenting on bodies, we can shift the focus to personal qualities and character:
- “You’re so kind.”
- “I love how much effort you put into that.”
- “You’re such a thoughtful friend.”
Affirming internal qualities helps support self-esteem (a protective factor against developing both eating disorders and obesity) and safeguards against developing self-worth based on appearance. Even simple affirmations like “you’re really brave for trying that” or “I noticed how patient you were today” can reinforce a child’s sense of value beyond how they look.
Too often we develop narratives, beginning in childhood, that to be accepted or fit in we must look a certain way, and that if we don’t, we simply just aren’t worthy (of love, friendship, or even that promotion). In therapy, I often invite clients to focus on the positive qualities that they feel define them, and they aren’t allowed to include appearance. It can be harder than it sounds, but we can intervene early to help children build a sense of self-worth that includes personal attributes such as kindness, creativity, courage, and effort, rather than a body ideal.
We can also encourage children to focus on the function of their bodies and the incredible things their bodies can do:
- “Isn’t it cool how our bodies know how to heal when we’re sick?”
- “I love how energized I feel when I play soccer—how about you?”
This helps encourage positive embodiment, described by Niva Piran as “Positive Body Connection and Comfort, Embodied Agency and Passion, and Attuned Self-Care” (p. 4).3
2. Promote Body Diversity and Acceptance
There are many ways to help children embrace body diversity. One of the most important is to avoid commenting on bodies altogether. This includes avoiding comments such as:
- “I feel fat today.”
- “You should wear clothes that flatter your body.”
- “You look great! Have you lost weight?”
- “He shouldn’t be eating fries, he looks so unhealthy.”
I’ve had parents share these kinds of comments in sessions with their children (not realizing the impact), as well as adult clients reflecting on their childhood body image experiences with adults that have contributed to what has been a lifetime of body and food related struggles. These comments, often said casually or with best intentions, reinforce the idea that some bodies are better than others.
It’s not realistic to assume we can avoid body talk with children altogether, so when we do talk about bodies, it should be to celebrate diversity. We can invite children to reflect on nature, for example:
- “No two trees grow the same way, but each one belongs.”
- “A flower doesn’t worry about being taller or having more petals than the next—it just blooms.”
Books can also be a helpful tool, especially for younger children. A few with positive messaging include:
- I Like Me by Nancy Carlson
- Your Body is Brilliant by Sigrun Danielsdottir
- Shapesville by Andy Mills and Becky Osborn
3. Reflect on Your Own Relationship with Your Body
Although we said it in our last blog, I want to reinforce it again: it starts with us. Research consistently shows that adult role models have a significant impact on children’s beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors related to body image and eating. This isn’t intended to place blame. It’s about increasing our awareness so we can respond to body image concerns from an informed place, with compassion. I also want to remind you that just as we want children to be kind to themselves, we need to extend that same kindness to ourselves. Sometimes that means challenging our own thoughts and feelings about our bodies so we can model the kind of relationship we hope children will develop with theirs.
I’ve worked with many adults who realize, often through therapy or parenting themselves, that their own body image struggles began in childhood. They remember hearing comments about weight, watching family members diet, being praised only when they looked a certain way, or being criticized and compared based on body shape and size. These memories stay with us and shape how we show up for the next generation.
As adults, it’s worth asking: if a child were watching me today (because they are), what would they learn about how to treat their own body?
Responding When a Child Says “I Feel Fat”
I am aware that even we are trying not to focus on body shape and weight, children might. This means that at some point, we may be confronted with a comment like “I feel fat” that can stop us in our tracks. Does this mean they have poor body image? Not necessarily. It may mean they are mimicking or joining in on fat talk they hear around them, or it may mean they are struggling with how they feel in and about their body in a culture that places high value on appearance. Either way, here are some ways to respond:
1. Avoid a response that suggests fat = bad.
Jumping to correct them with “you’re not fat” reinforces the idea that fat is negative. Instead, normalize body diversity with comments like:
- “Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Some are bigger, some are smaller, and all are good.”
- “Fat isn’t a bad thing. All bodies have fat. Some have more and some have less.”
2. Pause and be curious.
Instead of rushing to ‘solve’ their feelings by saying “no you aren’t,” try to understand what is behind the statement. Consider gentle questions like:
- “What makes you say that?”
- “How are you feeling in your body today?”
This shifts the focus from a child’s size to their emotions and experiences. Sometimes “I feel fat” can be reflective of other discomfort or feelings such as sadness or insecurity.” Also, if they are a younger child, they might not be impacted by weight stigma yet and might not be using “fat” negatively. In that case, consider a simple response like “your body is just right for you.”
3. Challenge cultures messages.
Invite them to think about where the idea came from. Consider something like:
- “Sometimes people talk like fat is a bad thing, but that’s not true. What do you think might have taught us to believe that?”
- “Sometimes movies, shows, and social media act like only one kind of body is good. But bodies are supposed to be different and come in all sizes.”
4. Shift the focus from appearance to gratitude.
After listening, redirect the conversation towards function and gratitude for what our bodies do for us:
- “Our bodies help us to do amazing things. What is one thing you are grateful your body helps you to do?”
5. Model acceptance of all bodies.
Children learn from what they see and hear. Avoid commenting on bodies: yours, theirs, or others. Show respect for diverse bodies and combat stigma directly with comments like:
- “bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and that makes the world interesting and beautiful”
- “fat is just a way of describing a body, like tall or short, or straight hair or curly. All bodies are different, No body is better or worse.”
The goal isn’t to explain away their feelings. Instead, we can validate, explore, and expand their understanding of bodies, without reinforcing weight stigma.
Small Moments, Big Impact on Body Image
You don’t need to have the perfect response to support a child’s body image, you just need to be aware, present, curious, and compassionate. I’ve seen firsthand how small shifts in language, tone, and attention can make a profound difference in how a child sees themselves.
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, coach, caregiver, or other significant adult in a child’s life, you have the power to help shape a child’s relationship with their body. Every time you choose kindness over critique, curiosity over correction, and celebration over comparison, you’re helping build a foundation of positive embodiment and self-worth that can last a lifetime.
Let’s keep showing up for children in ways that help them feel safe, worthy, and valued in their bodies just as they are.
References
- Tatangeloa, G., McCabea, M., Mellor, D., & Mealey, A. (2016). A systematic review of body dissatisfaction and sociocultural messages related to the body among preschool children. Body Image, 18, 86095. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2016.06.003
- Striegel-Moore, R. H., Silberstein, L. R., & Rodin, J. (1986). Toward an understanding of risk factors for bulimia. American Psychologist, 41, 246-243. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.41.3.246
- Piran, N. (2017). The developmental theory of embodiment: Discovering paths in the body journeys of girls and women. In Journeys of embodiment at the intersection of body and culture: The developmental theory of embodiment (pp. 1–35). Academic Press.
